How to Help Another Who is Grieving

Often times when a friend or loved one is grieving, we aren’t sure what to do or say. This leaves us feeling inadequate and awkward when it comes to offering support. However, the care and support of friends and loved ones is important throughout the healing process of grief. If you can simply communicate that you care by your willingness to listen, you can provide much needed support to your grieving friend.

The following guidelines will help you to understand how to show that you care:

• Remember that helping doesn't mean fixing - Grief is not something that can be fixed. It is the normal, natural reaction to the loss of someone or something cherished. Just inviting and allowing the expression of grief will facilitate healthy resolution.
• Do not take responsibility for your friend’s grief - If a friend cries or gets emotional, it is not because you have hurt her. The fact that her loved one died causes the tears. Crying and emotional expression are healing.
• Be a good listener - Listen without the need to have answers. Accept whatever feelings are expressed. Do not change the subject. Know that your friend may need to tell his story over and over.
• Be aware of and comfortable with normal grief feelings - Your friend may experience and express sadness, anger, guilt, fear, relief, depression and many other normal feelings. Her need to express these emotions is not a sign that she cannot cope or will fall apart on you, but that she is working through her grief.
• Know that your presence is worth more than words - Don’t worry if you feel at a loss for words. Be comfortable with silence, for your presence is really your most meaningful helping tool. “When you give your presence, you are giving the most.” Alexandria Stoddard, Daring to Be Yourself.
• Avoid clichés - Clichés and easy answers often trivialize the pain the griever is feeling. Rather than giving statements like, “She’s no longer suffering,” or “It was his time,” a simple “I’m sorry…this must be so difficult,” is more comforting.
• Keep in touch, continue to ask how your friend is doing - Grief does not end when someone goes back to work or after a couple of months have passed. Do not be afraid of upsetting your friend by mentioning their loss. They remember and will be touched that you remember too.
• Talk about the person who died - Say the name of the deceased. It is difficult to offer support without saying the name. Share a memory. Invite your friend to share memories also.
• Gently invite your friend to take part in outside activities - Invite, but do not insist. Grieving takes a great deal of energy and often leaves grievers needing to set limits that are comfortable for them.
• Remember special days - Take note of birthdays, anniversary dates, holidays, etc…and offer extra support during these times.
• Remember that when your friend or loved one needs help the most, they may be least able to ask for it
• Watch for trouble signs such as weight loss depression, or sleep disorders - Encourage your friend to seek grief counseling if these occur.